So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just had sex bonerless
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
