My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
