hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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