you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
