I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
