Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
