sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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