i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
