dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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