I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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