this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
