I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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