Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
