I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
