I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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