My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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