I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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