Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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