He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Randomize
