I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
