There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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