My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
