the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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