As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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