Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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