Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize