he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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