I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
