So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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