You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
