I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
