either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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