I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
