Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
