the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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