I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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