I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
