do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
