Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
