I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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