i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
