I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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