Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
