You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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