why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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