ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
