Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just fell off a train. Bad.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
