i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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