The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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