1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
