the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
