Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
